Due to the utter lack of metal-ness of today's Presidential candidates—Hillary Clinton's campaign song is a Celine Dion tune, and she's the best hung of all the candidates—King Hell has decided to jump in the race for President! (Yeah, we know a whole band can't be President, but we members of King Hell can actually morph together a la Voltron to form one towering metal warrior, Megadevastatorizer! We've got a guitar/battleaxe made of lightning, we do this awesome move where we head-bang enemies into the ground... it's really cool.) Here follow some items from our platform:

1. Establish a New Metalstocracy: You finally got through high school but then you hadda get a job workin' for The Man. No more! For hereon, The Man can pump his own gas; your forearm is tired from throwing the devil sign all the time. Under King Hell, all persons who can present at least one verifiable heavy metal concert t-shirt will be designated Lords of Metal, and exempted from all labor. (NOTE: Anyone who shows up in a Creed shirt will be shot on site.) As well, they will be provided with daily rations of Heineken, Doritos, and the finest Hamburger Helper in the land. Any non-metal peasants who have a problem with this new class structure can take it up with Megadevastatorizer.
2. Flag Burning Amendment: All citizens will be required to burn their flags. (NOTE: This doesn't mean you can't fly a flag, simply that it must be continuously on fire. It's way more bitchin' this way.)
3. Right To Bear Guitars: An amendment guaranteeing a citizen's inalienable right to bear guitars will be drafted (and passed, on pain of death metal). Some people have complained that such an amendment is unnecessary, as it is not currently prohibited to own a guitar. These anti-guitar nuts will have their heads sandwiched between two Marshall amplifiers and their eardrums exploded. Further, all citizens will, in fact, be required to own a guitar, and join a local metal militia, ready to rock on a moment's notice should Justin Timberlake and his army of dancing nancies pull into their town.
4. New National Anthem: The national anthem will be changed to Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It." This would upset the religious right, except that the chorus of the song is actually "Oh Come All Ye Faithful." (It is. Really. Hum it.)
5. Establishment of a Monarchy: The United States will be abolished and a new Kingdom of Metal will be established, with Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead as Head of State. As devoted followers of his royal lowness King Lemmy, we will gladly renounce our Presidency to become his faithful servants, perhaps being appointed to positions in the Ministry of Eager Groupies or the Council for Getting Blasted, if it pleases his cysted majesty.

...more campaign declarations to come.

Think you know metal? Test your knowledge with the King Hell Metal Trivia Quiz!

1. The original name of Black Sabbath was:

A) Spookly-Dookly
B) Very-Very-Dark-Navy-Blue Sermon.
C) Three Guys Playing Heavy-Ass Doom Rock, Inexplicably Paired With A Parkinsons Sufferer Vocalist Who Sounds Not A Little Like Bob Dylan.
D) Polka Tulk.

2. Bruce Dickinson, front man of Iron Maiden, was expelled from boys boarding

school for:

A) Showing up to class in ridiculous spandex tights and a smoldering gargoyle codpiece.
B) Challenging another boy to a fencing match, and killing him.
C) Starting an unsanctioned Dungeons & Dragons Club, after inventing Dungeons & Dragons.
D) Urinating in the headmaster's soup.

3. You didn't know Rob Halford, front man of Judas Priest, was gay, because:

A) What?? No way he's a fag!
B) Dude, he CAN'T be a fag! I been listening to fuckin' Priest for 20 years, man! I know fags, and he aint one!!
C) He came outta the closet? Fuckin' fag.
D) I dunno, I thought the bullwhip was like, rodeo n' shit. man this sucks. Bro, will you hold me? Not in a gay way, but, you know, how soldiers do? A little tighter please. Yeah, that's good. Hey, wanna go back to my place and watch wrestling? I got a whole collection of DVDs. It's Olympic wrestling, by the way.

4. You knew Rob Halford was gay because:

A) C'mon, look at him.
B) Seriously, LOOK AT HIM! He's even got the leather captain's cap, fer chrisakes!
C) It is my studied opinion as a professor of that-dude-is-gay-ology that Rob Halford made Freddy Mercury look like Ronald Reagan.
D) The only difference between Rob Halford and Robert Mapplethorpe is that Mapplethorpe had the whip IN his ass.

5. Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead's drug of choice is:

A) Grease scarped from his body that he rolls up into a tar 10,000 more powerful than the blackest hashish.
B) Diesel exhaust fumes, huffed directly from the tailpipe of his tour bus.
C) The souls of runaways, caught in his spider web of curdled semen (I know, I know, that was horrible, but it was too good to pass up).
D) Speed. Speed to the nth power of the-band's-name-is-fricken'-Motorhead. SOOOO much speed there's no more Sudafed left in the world, and your coffee is actually decaf.

6. Ronnie James Dio is actually how old:

A) 65
B) 650
C) 6,500
D) Gandalf

Answers:

1. D (Yeah, we know they were called Earth-after Polka Tulk. Seriously, Polka Tulk. Google it. Must be some sort of incantation.)
2. D (Sensing a pattern here? And we're not kidding about this one either.)
3. All of the above.
4. All of the above.
5. D again!
6. Trick question! It's A+B+C+D.

Score:

1 right - Hello Mitt Romney!
2 right - You like Styx.
3 right - You know your 80's metal hits, but were unaware that Quiet Riot song "Bang Your Head" was actually called "Metal Health".
4 right - You didn't get laid in high school either, huh?
5 right - You are a metal monk, and have taken a vow of chastity.
6 right - You're in King Hell.

Well, our fatwa on Justin Timberlake certainly generated a lot of response, and we expect the little twerp's head any day, Satan willing. (His evilness be praised!) But there are many, many more infidels deserving of justice, so we issue this second fatwa on the fruitacular, guitar noodling defiler of music John Mayer. Here follow his crimes...

1. His first record was called Room For Squares. King Hell has sympathy for squares - a couple of us were somewhat awkward once, long, long ago, before Hephaestus, immortal lord of the forge, transformed us into metal gods - but Mayer is some other, mincing geometric figure altogether; if fuchsia were a shape, he'd be it. Whatever curvy form he is, there's no room for him in King Hell's New World Disorder. When Mayer is in the ground, his tombstone will read "No Vacancy".
2. His breathy, falsetto voice sounds like Michael McDonald with his nuts cut off.
3. The Stones wrote "T&A". Nine Inch Nails wrote "Closer" AKA "I Wanna Fuck You Like An Animal". Mayer wrote "Your Body Is A Wonderland".
4. He dates Jessica Simpson. If you date a retarded mannequin, you are a retarded mannequin.
5. He's won Grammies. Everyone who wins a Grammy blows decomposing donkey dick; yes that goes for Metallica too, whose last moment of not-blowing-deceased-equine-genitalia was when they got SCREWED for a Grammy. (The huffing-dead-donkey-dong provision holds until we win OUR first Grammy.)
6. Goddamn Grammies: Mayer beat Prince for Best Male Vocal. It's like Deepak Chopra beating out Jesus in the Best Messiah category.
7. From Wikipedia: "All of the covers of Mayer's "as/is" releases featured drawings of bunnies in situations uncharacteristic for bunnies, such as at the laundromat or forming a wave." Bunnies... uncharacteristic situations... doing the wave... it makes Hello Kitty look like bondage. The proper thing for a rock record would be to have demon bunnies characteristically banging the hell out of each other, but then Mayer is a eunuch.
8. He's toured with Maroon 5, Counting Crows, and The Wallflowers. This is like going for a drive with Goering, Eichman and Himmler.
9. He was named as one of the "New Guitar Gods" by Rolling Stone. (All of whose editors must also die.) We sincerely hope that when Mayer gets to heaven, Jimi Hendrix shows him what a real guitar god is by lighting his Fender Stratocaster on fire and corn-holing him with it.

We here at the King Hell School for Unholy Studies have noticed that Justin Timberlake has been getting a pass lately for, well, existing. We can't imagine why this is, but it will not do. Therefore we place a fatwa on his head for the following crimes:

1. Justin Timberlake is the sissiest of all possible sissy names. Justin is bad enough (sorry Justins, but your name is too lisp-able), but pare it with Timberlake and you may as well call yourself Fairy Dewfields.
2. He was a member of the Mickey Mouse Club, the modern incarnation of the Hitler Youth.
3. Look what he did to Britney Spears.
4. Oh yeah, he dated Britney Spears.
5. He can't sing. (No, he can't, so shut up.) This, in and of itself, is not a crime, but passing yourself off as a singer for a paying audience is swindling, pure and simple. And the sentence is death. (His audience dies too.)
6. To show his toughness, on the cover of his latest expertly titled record "Future Sex/Love Sounds" he's stomping on a disco ball. On his upcoming record "Impotence/Whale Songs" he'll by lighting a tray of cupcakes on fire.
7. He's half responsible for increasing FCC fines for indecency 10-fold with his Superbowl stunt ripping Janet Jackson's shirt open to expose her flaccid nipple. He should leave shocking people to the pros. Ozzy would have bitten her tit off. No one would be talking about indecency, just about what a crazy nutter Ozzy is.
8. He broke up N'Sync. One good act doesn't excuse a lifetime of evil.

1) No time to slaughter a chicken? No problem! Just visit a park on your lunch break and find some pigeons. It's not a good idea to poison them, as you'll have a bunch of ex-pigeons lying around and they're a big enough pain. Instead, just feed them extra-stale bread crumbs, and give them bad indigestion. It's a far cry an actual sacrifice, true, but it's the thought that counts, and The Devil will really appreciate it.

2) At restaurants, order your steak uncooked. Again, this is pretty far removed from a bonafide blood sacrifice, but there is always a chance you'll come down with trichinosis, or mad cow disease, resulting in your death and a de-facto sacrifice to Satan. Doing all the little things can net you big results!

3) Accessorize! An upside down cross pendant, or some pentagram earrings let everyone in the office know you're runnin' with The Devil, and that they'd best do your bidding or you'll see to it they spend eternity broiling in the deepest bowels of Hell. Watch how easy it is to cut to the front of the coffee maker line by just fingering your pendant and muttering something backwards in Latin!

4) Use the Devil sign in your everyday actions. There's no reason to restrict this attention grabbing hand signal to heavy metal shows. Use it when you're haling a cab, typing, or pointing at a leper and laughing. To encourage yourself to use the devil sign, you can lop off the middle fingers of your hands, or simply nail them to your palms. This will also ensure you never learn to play jazz, and focus on more substantive music like Black Sabbath. Really, is there a more genius song than Iron Man? I think not, and I rarely think.

5) Most adults are fairly wary these days if you ask them to sign their souls over to The Devil. Children on the other hand are totally unsuspecting. To score some brownie points with Satan, just carry along a few copies of the standard soul forfeiture contract and keep your eye peeled for gullible children. When you spy one, try this gambit:

You: Are you Timmy? (Note: Children are invariably called Timmy.)

Child: Yeah...

You: The Timmy?

Child: Yeah...

You: Wow! Can I get your autograph??

Child: Yeah!

It's like stealing candy from a baby. Except it's their soul.

6) Sign every letter "sin-cerely." Get it? SIN-cerely? ...oh never mind (you try coming up with eight of these).

7) Listen to King Hell even more! What? That's impossible, you say? Do you listen to King Hell while brushing your teeth? Do you listen to King Hell when you're clipping your nails? Liars!! And it's not just for you: King Hell can have all the same beneficial health effects as second-hand smoke on those around you. Pregnant women, I recommend you strap a pair of earphones over those bellies and give those kiddos-to-be a dose of in-utero mega-metal! Fuck Mozart! Do you want your boys to grow up to be ballerinas, and your daughters to become mail order brides? King Hell will see to it that your boys never learn to dance, and that your daughters grow up into ball crushing kick-boxers!

To Evil,

The lads in King Hell!

8 Ways To Tweak The Pope (if you ever get an audience with him)!

1) After marveling at his golden duds and loud ass jewelry, insist on calling him His Hizzoliness and informing him that he's a muthafuckin' P.I.M.P.!

2) Referring to his phallic mitar headdress, ask him repeatedly what's up with "the dick hat?"

3) Offer to smoke some "myhrr" with him.

4) Present him with a mix tape you made consisting of Slayer, Bau Haus, and Eye Hate God.

5) Remind him to always put on a "jimmy hat," citing Sammy Hagar's quote "Dude, when it's rainin', wear a raincoat!" (Note: This will annoy anybody.)

6) Act stunned when he tells you he's required to be celibate, and offer to straighten him out by taking him to some titty bars and buying him a couple lap dances.

7) When the Swiss Guard comes to remove you start breakdancing. It's impossible to get a hold of someone doing the windmill.

8) Before you leave, ask yourself WWOD (What Would Ozzy Do?) then pee on Vatican.

To evil,
The lads in King Hell!